I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
