Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
