Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
