did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
