I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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