Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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