Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
