His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He has the fingertips of a God
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