You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Someone signed my nipple.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
