What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
