Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she told me i tasted like america
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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