that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I didn't notice because vodka
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
