that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
