I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
