I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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