have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
