I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
