I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
