it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
