Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
