i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
