The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
