I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
