dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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