It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
