i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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