I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Welp...herpes.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
