Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
