You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
