He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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