Duck Duck Cougar?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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