Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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