The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
