I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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