fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
