Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
