i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
