I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
