sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
