someone get that fucking seahorse.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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