I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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