You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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