Yo dont text me then not text me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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