alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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