I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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