Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
