have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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