I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
