I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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