Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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