whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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