Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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