He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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